What is a nergfoogle???
Welcome to nergfoogle…
Hello, my name is Ervin Shlopnick. I will be your host here at nergfoogle; a website that I’m hoping will be as messed up and confusing as its name. If you are a transplant from Hot Lard, you should already have a good idea of my sense of humor and grammatical errors. If you liked Hot Lard, then nergfoogle should be right up your alley. I plan on doing a lot of the same things I did at Hot Lard, but I also plan on making this site a little more personable and hopefully it will not be banded by fortune 500 companies and third world nations.
And I want an award dammit!!!!
I’m tired of seeing all those other sites getting the “Happy Family Award” or the “Brush Your Teeth Daily Award”. So why couldn’t Hot Lard get an award, huh???? I’ll tell you why… It’s because we wore our hearts on the outside, instead of on the inside like everybody else…. Now I’ll admit it was sort of a frightening medical condition we had… Heart just out there, pumping blood all over the place; veins just flapping in the wind. It made the most horrible sucking sound too. It was a real bitch when in a library. Oh and don’t get me started about going to church…. I swear, if I had a nickel for every time some frighten church goer who just met me, would jump up and start screaming… “The Power of Christ Compels You!!!” I’d be a pretty rich man…. Or at least could afford getting surgery to fix this damn thing….. But it’s still no reason to ban me from getting an award!!!!!
What is a nergfoogle? That is a very interesting story. When I was trying to think up a name for my new site, I wanted something that would be catchy and original (sort of like Hot Lard). I actually spent a few days on this and tried several different names. Here are a few of the names I shot down…
Big Hairy Tasty Balls
When I fart on my hand it gets warm
I have a third nipple
Happy Fluffy Bunnies and Cute Kittens….. Get molested here
Obama Care (Site seemed to keep crashing for some reason)
Fuck you, read it anyway
Have you seen grandma’s panties?
Mayor McCheese made me touch his pickle
But none of them seemed to have that flare… that sophistication…. I wanted. So one night after eating a double beef and bean burrito from the Puke-N-Choke convenience store, I started having rumblings in my stomach. It was telling me that the raccoon meat this burrito was made from was not agreeing with me and needed to be quickly removed. The problem was, my daughter was in the bathroom getting ready for her big date with Tad the starting quarterback and soon to be doctor….. I jest; he’s on the chess team, wets his pants every time our poodle barks at him, and wants to be a professional dungeon master. Regardless, I knew she would not leave the bathroom for me to do my doody (huh, huh, I said doody). And there was no way in hell that she would reenter the room after I was finished… I don’t think it would have been suitable for any life form to inhabit for at least a decade. My options and time were running low. I had to think of something quick, or a new pair of pants and a new carpet was going to be needed. So, I did what any reasonable person would do. I went next door and murdered the elderly couple living there and used their bathroom.
WHAT?!!?!?! I said they were old… They had a long and happy life. They had pretty much done everything they were ever going to do. And trust me, it was a lot more merciful just offing them than letting them have to live through the horror and aftermath of the unholy mass I had left in their bathroom. I mean it, nobody would have survived it. I’m sure it killed rats in the sewer as it made its way to the ocean to destroy its ecosystem. I know this event occurred many, many billions of years after, but… This thing was a good argument as to what may have killed the dinosaurs!!!!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah the name nergfoogle and how I got it. I pretty much just thought it up on the fly. No big deal really. I just wanted to see how long I could lead you on. Plus I wanted you all too read about my really epic shit.
Man, I bet you are all pissed as hell right now for having to go through that… Sweet!!!
Well get used to it, because that is what nergfoogle is all about. I promise to never make a whole lot of sense and guide my readers down the wrong path every chance I get. So sit back, relax, and don’t look for seat belts, because I’ve cut them out. We’re all going to suffer severe head trauma from now on baby.